I was at a communist museum in China dedicated to foreign gifts given to China, and I noticed immediately that all of the non-white, non-European countries gave elaborate, beautiful gifts bearing their traditional culture. Especially the African countries. The only European country to give amazing gifts was Russia, and some smaller states like the Czech Republic or something. At the end of the museum I just saw this photo, which I’ve never seen in my entire life, and just stared at it for like 5 minutes (not even being sentimental or corny, I just was amazed by the photo) cause all the cats in it looked so happy. We were taught in Murican schools that being communist meant you were miserable and poor.

On the OTHER HAND, the western white countries all gave sports stuff. Like saddles, skis, footballs. America gave NFL jerseys. Like a cheap-ass jersey with President Xi’s name on it. I was legitimately disgusted by it. And this goes past my usual eyerolling at whites, it just made me legitimately annoyed.

That really ticked something in my brain box. Growing up I never played sports, I never liked them. They were sweaty and gross and guys were grabbing and rubbing all over each other. Basketball was alright, I played a little baseball, but I found them dumb when I could just leave and go hook up with a girl. I found there were too many weird white dudes who would get super worked up about sports… like who cares?

As I said, I focus on my sex life because I’m convinced it’s the reason behind my ideology. Since I was a teen I’ve had girls telling me to my face they want to do things with me – in bed. Yes, really.

I hung out with a lot of POC people from all walks of life and it was normal to just want to chill with the girls who wanted to smash us. We used to clown on the white people in my school since they were all into theater and obnoxiously loud, despite being a minority at my public school. Ever since I was a kid I had this dream of leaving the US – which I found static, weird, cultureless – in favor of going somewhere else. I used to get adamantly mad when one of my friends joking called me “white.” Because I took it as saying I had no swag and couldn’t get laid. Which is exactly what they meant when they used “white” as a slur.

I’ve always been a good guy and was well liked in my schools for being genuinely chill, kind and basically “keeping it real.” A lot of that comes from my early upbringing around my friends, and yes, the girls.

It’s been incredibly hard for me to upwardly integrate into “white society.” Not only corporate society, but American society at large, which is super puritan, swagless, and fake. It doesn’t matter who you’re talking to, corporate liberals or country people, they all seem like they’re putting on a front. Yes, this mostly applies to white or people who want to appear as white. I’ve never cared for money or saw the need for a career and always took an interest in hanging with and helping out the working / lower classes. It just came natural to me.

It’s been really hard to go from girls basically telling me they want me to get them pregnant, to our current culture, which is weird, capitalist, asexual, hateful, stiff and gay.

I think that’s why communism comes easier to MOST* POC men and good looking guys. We don’t need money to get laid. I talked to some of my friends and they seem to report that women asking them how much they make is normal for them. I sit there scratching my head thinking back to the times that women have straight up asked me to F them even knowing I was making like $1,400 a month. I remember sitting on the steps of my university with this random handsome one legged Afghani or Lebanese friend I made, and he was telling me how he had girls kissing his feet in bed, and he just couldn’t understand it, nor did he want it to end.

(*I say most cause the most annoying pro-American people I know are two 5’2″ midget Asian men in my family who act like knockoff white guys and I’m sure they’re both on the DL).

But to guys who genuinely understand women as a process of being purchased or wooed with money, obviously money becomes everything. An entire culture rooted around hoarding wealth to “keep” a woman that won’t even touch you is basically normal for most guys in the western world. It’s so soulless. Like, completely soulless. There’s nothing more real than a woman looking you dead in your eyes and telling you she wants you, she wants to eat you. That’s why everything seems fake to me, since I was a kid up until now. I guess when it happens to you enough, you become a man who has nothing to prove and everything to give. My life has been long but also it’s felt incredibly short. I feel like every day I’ve lived I’ve reflected on wondering what was going on my head but I think I finally get it. 25 years ago feels like yesterday because my “Wasian IQ” has given me an overactive brain (I hate the term Wasian, though).

Truly staggering stuff. It’s hard for me to even believe this, and I’m near 40 years old now. It’s crazy cause I honestly feel like I’m the first person to ever be self aware about this. Being half white maybe has been a blessing in that it’s provided me insight into both sides long enough to see what the real issue is. Part of the reason I’ve always been so F’ed up is because I’ve struggled between being what I really am – basically a player loser Chinaman like the kind my self-hating uncle HATED back in China – and being half-white, and being made to feel like I was wrong for doing what came naturally. For a long time I wondered what the hell my parents’ problem was, but now I see it.