Tag: books

Communism for sexy men; capitalism for incels

I was at a communist museum in China dedicated to foreign gifts given to China, and I noticed immediately that all of the non-white, non-European countries gave elaborate, beautiful gifts bearing their traditional culture. Especially the African countries. The only European country to give amazing gifts was Russia, and some smaller states like the Czech Republic or something. At the end of the museum I just saw this photo, which I’ve never seen in my entire life, and just stared at it for like 5 minutes (not even being sentimental or corny, I just was amazed by the photo) cause all the cats in it looked so happy. We were taught in Murican schools that being communist meant you were miserable and poor.

On the OTHER HAND, the western white countries all gave sports stuff. Like saddles, skis, footballs. America gave NFL jerseys. Like a cheap-ass jersey with President Xi’s name on it. I was legitimately disgusted by it. And this goes past my usual eyerolling at whites, it just made me legitimately annoyed.

That really ticked something in my brain box. Growing up I never played sports, I never liked them. They were sweaty and gross and guys were grabbing and rubbing all over each other. Basketball was alright, I played a little baseball, but I found them dumb when I could just leave and go hook up with a girl. I found there were too many weird white dudes who would get super worked up about sports… like who cares?

As I said, I focus on my sex life because I’m convinced it’s the reason behind my ideology. Since I was a teen I’ve had girls telling me to my face they want to do things with me – in bed. Yes, really.

I hung out with a lot of POC people from all walks of life and it was normal to just want to chill with the girls who wanted to smash us. We used to clown on the white people in my school since they were all into theater and obnoxiously loud, despite being a minority at my public school. Ever since I was a kid I had this dream of leaving the US – which I found static, weird, cultureless – in favor of going somewhere else. I used to get adamantly mad when one of my friends joking called me “white.” Because I took it as saying I had no swag and couldn’t get laid. Which is exactly what they meant when they used “white” as a slur.

I’ve always been a good guy and was well liked in my schools for being genuinely chill, kind and basically “keeping it real.” A lot of that comes from my early upbringing around my friends, and yes, the girls.

It’s been incredibly hard for me to upwardly integrate into “white society.” Not only corporate society, but American society at large, which is super puritan, swagless, and fake. It doesn’t matter who you’re talking to, corporate liberals or country people, they all seem like they’re putting on a front. Yes, this mostly applies to white or people who want to appear as white. I’ve never cared for money or saw the need for a career and always took an interest in hanging with and helping out the working / lower classes. It just came natural to me.

It’s been really hard to go from girls basically telling me they want me to get them pregnant, to our current culture, which is weird, capitalist, asexual, hateful, stiff and gay.

I think that’s why communism comes easier to MOST* POC men and good looking guys. We don’t need money to get laid. I talked to some of my friends and they seem to report that women asking them how much they make is normal for them. I sit there scratching my head thinking back to the times that women have straight up asked me to F them even knowing I was making like $1,400 a month. I remember sitting on the steps of my university with this random handsome one legged Afghani or Lebanese friend I made, and he was telling me how he had girls kissing his feet in bed, and he just couldn’t understand it, nor did he want it to end.

(*I say most cause the most annoying pro-American people I know are two 5’2″ midget Asian men in my family who act like knockoff white guys and I’m sure they’re both on the DL).

But to guys who genuinely understand women as a process of being purchased or wooed with money, obviously money becomes everything. An entire culture rooted around hoarding wealth to “keep” a woman that won’t even touch you is basically normal for most guys in the western world. It’s so soulless. Like, completely soulless. There’s nothing more real than a woman looking you dead in your eyes and telling you she wants you, she wants to eat you. That’s why everything seems fake to me, since I was a kid up until now. I guess when it happens to you enough, you become a man who has nothing to prove and everything to give. My life has been long but also it’s felt incredibly short. I feel like every day I’ve lived I’ve reflected on wondering what was going on my head but I think I finally get it. 25 years ago feels like yesterday because my “Wasian IQ” has given me an overactive brain (I hate the term Wasian, though).

Truly staggering stuff. It’s hard for me to even believe this, and I’m near 40 years old now. It’s crazy cause I honestly feel like I’m the first person to ever be self aware about this. Being half white maybe has been a blessing in that it’s provided me insight into both sides long enough to see what the real issue is. Part of the reason I’ve always been so F’ed up is because I’ve struggled between being what I really am – basically a player loser Chinaman like the kind my self-hating uncle HATED back in China – and being half-white, and being made to feel like I was wrong for doing what came naturally. For a long time I wondered what the hell my parents’ problem was, but now I see it.

How I became a half-Asian Nazi and why I’ll always live in shame because of this

What scares me is how easy it was to do this.

My brother is still a 40+ year old virgin with far right beliefs and I sincerely believe he wants to bring slavery back.

Do I have an excuse? No. But I can understand how this happened. As I said many times, my father was a pathological narcissist who wanted to “feel big” and basically fight back against what he saw as social change that penalized him as a white man – and he obviously had a problem with white women sleeping with black and non-white men – thus a “traditional” Asian woman was his methodology of achieving this. People take the path of least resistance in life, because life is a zero sum game and people are awful and evil – yes; even one’s parents. My dad was one of those guys who believed sex was evil, black men shouldn’t get with white or any women, that the Holocaust didn’t happen, that Jews ran society, that horror movies were evil, that the whole world was an evil place out to get him – rather than adapting to it. In reality he probably was a sexually frustrated autistic incel who never experienced the happiness and pleasures of life so all he could do was extrapolate his hatred onto the world.

Naturally, his sons would have inherited this narcissism and racism. I also have an adopted Asian uncle who literally thinks that he’s a white man – driving big trucks, wearing an American flag on his hat, talking like a weirdo redneck, wearing shorts in winter time, all around being a cringe knockoff of a white man. Why? Well – insecurity I suppose. I’ve heard both of them make comments about black men banging white women; talking about how bad immigration is; how much they love Trump.

Yes, that’s what it’s about. It’s a pathological fear of black men. Fear of sex. I went through this phase. My father was like this – deathly afraid of sex and women, which I think is why he went for an Asian woman – who he must have felt was asexual and predictable enough not to sleep with a black guy for fun. But before that, I wasn’t like this. I think a lot of my behavior stemmed from the subtle bullying and alienation I felt for being Asian. From friends, family, etc., the endless subtle comments. So it was easy for me to be swept up into Naziism. I wanted to be white at one point, but not really; I was also very proud of being ‘cool’. I was deeply insecure about being Asian for a while, as a result of the insane amount of microaggressions and betrayals. I remember in college – I had a crush on a black girl, and even she slept with one of my racist white friends, and I think that did major trauma to my brain, subconsciously. Naturally – I wanted to be white like my friend. After all – my mother had married a racist white man, not an Asian man, and to feel like I belonged and was “part of it all,” it seemed simpler for me to just adapt far-right politics in order to justify my newfound racism, my attempt to feel like I was higher on the hierarchy, despite being “lowly and weird Asian in blood.” When you’re surrounded by the toxicity eventually it becomes overbearing and you just want to fit in and belong, ESPECIALLY if they were people who were supposed to love and care about you.

I don’t feel I’ll ever live this down, because at the time I knew what I was doing. I was acting out of insecurity, and to this date I don’t know if I will ever be truly comfortable with being Asian. None of my Asian friends are; they’re ALL self-hating. Deep down, I was able to escape the far-right pipeline because I realized that I was a decent guy, and didn’t relate to the stagnation and sterile nature of white society. I remember even deep in my Nazi phase, I went out and befriended random black people at bars, on the street, etc., because I felt like I had more in common with them. Their freedom and coolness. But, again, I realize this was a luxury, to escape it. My brother? My 5’2″ Asian uncle? They’re a product of their insecurity, their lifelong brainwashing.

I helped myself by thinking back to how I was before I was, 21, or so. I was ardently anti-racist, and even didn’t like white people, like many New Yorkers, I thought they were cornballs. I didn’t even find the most stereotypical blonde / blue eyed white women attractive at all, to this day, I don’t, but then again, it’s not about what I find attractive – but more what THEY find attractive and as I see now, white supremacy is now going global. I remember growing up watching BET and ONLY being attracted to dark toned women. I don’t know what happened; I was introduced to some far-right anti-Jewish thought by some roommates of mine senior year of college (one was Persian, one was black, ironically) and I think from there I started to read some filth and it permanently screwed my brain up.

Nowadays, my brother is so brainwashed and in so deep on his racism that even at 40 he’s not willing to give it up. My father had brainwashed him and I to feel that IQ, “culture,” etc., made us more valuable than blacks, Latinos – aka, “wild,” “savage,” “oversexed” people. And all of his failures are due to mental illness rather than his own inability to function in the real world with equal competition. He believes HE deserves women and power, not “low IQ” black men.

I don’t think there’s a solution to this. It’s all I can do – just write.