If I had to sum up why I’m so upset about being “Eurasian,” it’s primarily because I feel deprived of a culture.

I seem to be in the extreme minority of people who doesn’t care about white people AT ALL. I simply don’t care. I’ve never cared. If that makes me an extremist, then whatever. I’m at the point now where as I get older I look more and more Chinese to the extent that even here in China people barely look at me. Last time I was in Korea people just ran up to me and spoke to me in Korean so there’s that.

Unlike most half-Asians, by pure stroke of luck I inherited the same Asian features that makes women go crazy over those Korean actors, so my life experience has been a result of not being desperate for white approval, not self-hating, and not white-worshipping. I was thinking last night about the number of white women I’ve rejected and it must be in the dozens. All because the whole time I just wanted an Asian girl. I’ve been asked out by women that rich dudes can’t even get, and the whole time, I distinctly remember just not caring at all about them cause they weren’t Chinese. I’ve never, ever, ever had a crush on a woman who was not Asian or black and now that I’ve finally accepted that I will and always will be seen as Asian to the world I realize looking back even the way I thought was Asian, but being surrounded by self-haters and their white heroes, I got severely sidetracked. I remember growing up, being forced to hang out with white people, and having to respond with random actresses I thought were hot, when I couldn’t even think of a single one. I remember having a crush on Lisa Leslie before I found a single white woman attractive.

That’s what I’m mostly upset about. I’m married to an Asian woman and self-hating Asians and white supremacists (which is basically most people, whether they admit it or not), act like I made a mistake by reinvesting my blood into China. I remember having a crush on multiple Chinese girls in high school and them being rude to me and I think this lead to my mental breakdown that I’ve buried down for 20 years.

The worst part of all of this is that I let self-hating Asians drag me into a world where they used white people as a way to feel better about themselves and it had me second guessing and acting weird when I basically won the minute I came out of the womb and I had nothing to prove.

My whole life even since I was a child I wanted to be Chinese, to marry a Chinese woman, to eat Chinese food every day. That’s all I wanted. And my mother threw that away because she had mental problems or had personal beef with Asian men or her dad or whatever, or because she wanted some white guy she could dominate and belittle with no consequence. But even she parenting my brother (who looks more like my dad), and me, differently.

The reason I’m so obsessed with looks is because I think that the reason this happened is because Asian women can be hyper asexual / money oriented so they don’t want the super hot Asian guys and want some ugly white guy she can use as an ATM / punching bag. That makes sense when I realize my mom probably saw me as having potential to be chased by girls and decided she hated seeing that cause it reminded her of hot Asian guys who burned her, and so she tried to kill me.

As for why most half-Asians are whitewashed, well…. if I extrapolated what I suspect, most of them aren’t hot, since they look more ambiguous (as I said I probably fit more into the extreme end of K-drama aesthetic ideals), so they are trained by their moms to just throw money at women, and thus think they can buy their way out of their situation by throwing money at a white woman.

It’s funny cause the only times I see half-Asians desperate for approval or expressing the same opinions as me, they tend to be women. Now I realize that being a hot guy is basically like being a woman, so it makes sense that I’m like this. My brain is incapable of functioning like most mid guys (which is like 99% of men) conceptualize the world. Ironically, in China, I’m considered “average” lookswise. Heh.